Letter, 4: Seeking

It was dark, 

like the inside of a bank vault abandoned in space.
The darkness stripped me of my body, I was no longer trapped inside my skin.
My new flesh was made of empty space,
and not knowing its limitlessness made me feel so trapped.

So I escaped, into my self.

I looked within to understand without.
I searched and searched but could only find darkness.
My mind was in limbo, between my minds limits and my souls immaturity.

I needed to find myself.

I looked deeper, but I only  found what I hated, my insecurities.
The ugliness I could not scrub away with water or hide with clothes and cream.
I wanted to run, but I was already trapped

So I faced the things I hated about my identity.

Hating them only made me fear them even more,
fear what I was and what I did not want others to know.
But why....why did "others" matter when I only had myself to find.
So I left those thoughts behind, with the darkness to find my light.

I accepted my problems.

I understood their origins and why I failed to stop them, initially.
But with my understanding I now ask, "why should I hate them?"
They made me who I am now, the questioner of self,
the seeker of self.

So I learned to live with them; the problems of the past.

And my soul began to mature, my mind began to expand,
and I realized that the darkness that had consumed me,
destroyed me,
was only me eyes; they had been shut.

I was walking with ignorance, forgetting my past and ignoring the signs leading to my future.

I was walking without seeking a footing; trudging along a path that was soulless;
without meaning.
And now that I had looked into myself, into who I am,
I had found my place, my home

My self